


A Tale of Two Men and an Orchard

by Akashne



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cute Elderly Gay Couples, Don't Judge Me, M/M, This is not my usual content, crack ship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2021-02-12 22:06:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21483592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akashne/pseuds/Akashne
Summary: When all was said and done, they were just two men who just wanted some peace.
Relationships: Sheev Palpatine/Snoke
Comments: 11
Kudos: 15





	A Tale of Two Men and an Orchard

**Author's Note:**

  * For [selunchen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/selunchen/gifts).

> don't @ me  
(beta read by [The Dark Becomes You](https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Dark_Becomes_You), it's all her fault. And, of course, Hej Majesty Snalps OG Shipper, Selunchen, but we all know that.)

When all was said and done, they were just two men who just wanted some peace.

***

For as long as they had known each other - and they had known each other for _ decades _ \- they had always been different. All their friends (or, more accurately, acquaintances, people of their status didn’t really believe in friendships) always emphasized their differences: one was the master of the slow game, patient and cunning, the other had no patience for fools, preferring to act with brutal strength and hit his enemies where it would hurt them the most and bring them down swiftly.

In fact, the only thing they had in common was their hunger for power.

Well, that and the foolish trust in Skywalker men.

So, when all their plans had disintegrated due to the Skywalker blood weakness, they decided to finally give up, fake their deaths and settle down in a lovely (and quite luxurious) house in the countryside. Just another elderly gay couple with a dog and an orchard.

Yes, because Snoke insisted he wanted an orchard and that he would take care of it. Himself.

Sheev sighed.

“Snoke, honey, you have no idea how to take care of a potted plant, I saw you throwing away that cactus you got for your birthday, how are you going to take care of a garden?”

“Orchard,” uttered Snoke through clenched teeth.

“Orchard,” Sheev corrected himself and continued in a pained but patient tone, “do you know anything about what the trees need? And look, these apricots…”

“PEACHES!” Snoke roared, irrationally affronted with such a simple mistake.

“Peaches, yes.” It took everything from Sheev not to roll his eyes. “What do you know about peaches? And why peaches exactly? I have never even seen you eat them.”

Snoke suddenly grew suspiciously quiet, not meeting his partner’s eyes.

“Well?” Sheev decided to push it this time.

“They are messy,” he heard a mumbled response. “But delicious. I thought… I thought now that we aren’t keeping any pretences I could finally maybe eat them…” He looked up at Sheev with his big, hopeful blue eyes, and the former Senator Palpatine, also known as Darth Sidious, who could topple governments with barely a word - just couldn’t say no.

He just sighed heavily and surrendered his case.

“Okay, dear. Good. You will have your peach orchard. Just remember - due to our circumstances, we cannot employ a gardener, who would take care of it if you get bored with your little gar… _ orchard _ dream. Am I making myself clear?"

“Yes!”

Sheev thought he could bear an orchard if it made his love so happy.

“Okay then, Florida it is.”

***

They would soon both start cursing the orchard - but not for the reason anyone could predict.

***

The house came with neighbours. 

They didn’t live very near but still decided to drop by to welcome the new inhabitants of the Elmish House. They brought a casserole.

It was not a very pleasant surprise for both couples. Quite the opposite, really.

It’s not easy to make four people do anything in perfect synchronicity but here they all were, gasping:

“I thought you were dead!”

in unison.

Well, almost.

“Dead, I thought you were,” was the best old Yoda could do, never really mastering the English grammar. It never stopped him from being one of their worst enemies, until his fall (soon followed by the death of old age), some ten years before.

Or was it twenty?

Sheev wasn’t really sure.

The following meeting was such an awkward experience, Sheev had hoped they would never come back.

He was disappointed because their past rivals and thorns in their sides decided to pester them at least once a week. Either coming to snoop around their house or inviting them under some silly pretences (though he had to admit, bridge was a rather pleasant game, and so was poker when the third inhabitant of the Jeford Place would decide to grace them with his presence). They decided very early it was in the best interest of all of them not to out each other’s true life situation to the outside world. 

And so Sheev would have to suffer none other than Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Master Yoda. _ Again _.

***

And then they were joined by Yoghurt.

Yoghurt was a young Labrador someone abandoned in the nearby forest, found by Obi during one of his long walks (he was a good twenty years younger than the rest of them, he could still be so adventurous). All three men in the neighbouring house instantly fell in love with him and were devastated by the discovery of Yoda’s allergy to dog fur. Not being able to bear separating with the young furball, they forced him upon Sheev and Snoke. 

While Snoke remained quite indifferent to the dog, fully accepting him as a part of the household, Sheev couldn’t deny warming up to him.

A lot.

But alas, the young dog demanded a much more energetic owner than Sheev could be in his age, he begrudgingly agreed for young Kenobi to take him for walks.

Yoghurt was happy, and that was what mattered to them.

***

Of course, Snoke soon realised he was absolutely unprepared to take care of the orchard but was too determined to prove Sheev wrong to simply give up. 

They might have failed at world domination, but somehow they managed to carve themselves a new life - with pestering (but dear) neighbours, a dog - and, of course, an orchard.

Next summer, the peaches were, indeed, delicious.


End file.
